“What Could’ve been, Would’ve been, Should’ve been”, a reflection of the phrase “Choose Practicality over Passion”

By: miyaw

Graphics by: Cassius Klai C. Francisco

“Think about it some more, remember it's your future” is something I heard growing up from my parents, after asking me the very question that many dreaded even at a young age: “What do you want to be growing up?” I could have dodged that question by saying, “I want to be a princess!” or other nonsense things children say, but I wasn't joking around, even at a young age.

If you were to travel back in time and ask my younger self, she had one answer: to act on stage. Theater wasn’t a big thing around my house growing up. Sure, music was common, but the thrill of watching musicals on the couch while drinking milk was something that stuck in my mind. I would always tell my parents that I could step up there someday, facing the crowd as the fearless girl that I was.

Until I got the lecture on why I should start being practical with my choices, and that theater is just there because passion doesn’t go away. I would get a lot of suggestions like, “How about Doctor? Or Engineer?” and I would be confused as to why I couldn't choose theater, naively thinking it could be my job growing up.

“That is not practical, anak, try doctor, kaya?” was their answer as always. I should have stopped at that point, but that fire inside was still igniting, despite it being weak and flickering. But the older I got, slowly all of my confidence and passion for myself was stripped away, and by the time I got to the point of deciding, I was defeated, but still tried to fight for it one last time, thinking that maybe they now understood what I wanted.

And yet here I am, drafting with not even a single knowledge of drawing, designing houses that are mediocre because I can’t understand color theory well. And yet I have to be here because Architecture is a practical course for a practical future. I used to think that maybe my parents would be proud of me for this, for choosing something that can help me provide for them in the future.

But as I tidied up my table after every Esquisse, I thought to myself: would I be more confident if I were on a stage, portraying a character that is not me, acting scenarios that were written, and delivering such a message to the crowd? Will I ever be that version of myself, being happy and being able to be free to pursue my passion? Will I ever get to feel that now I am pursuing practicality?

I always think that exhausted souls don’t just roam around purgatories or cemeteries, but they also roam the school hallways, souls of the people who had different passions in mind but unfortunately settled for practicality as well. Maybe Architecture isn’t really that bad; it’s unfair if I said that I hated it. Maybe I’ll love it someday and be able to align a newly found passion with it.

But the ghost of not pursuing that very passion you had from the very start will haunt me forever. I might grow up accepting that it’ll linger with me until I die. But with what I have now, I gently wish for the me in another universe to get what she wants, to act on that stage and show what she’s got, and may she be the one to tell the world about her amazing talent. If I have to choose practicality for her to choose passion, I would do it in a heartbeat.

The thrill of stepping on that stage might still be with me, but with what I have now, I could work with it to bring out a different version of me. All that is left is just me mourning and dreading the fact that I’ll never get to meet what could’ve been, would’ve been, should’ve been me.