Suffocated

By: Hoshi

Graphics by: Cassius Klai C. Francisco

“Okay Class, turn your papers in.”

It’s already 9 in the evening, and this is the last meeting for the class. One final reach of the semester, and it is done; we become free to do whatever we want. The pressure of deadlines is gone, and one can spend time with their friends and family once again. Right?

The night is dark, gloomy, and cold just like always, but I don’t feel it. The familiar fear of the danger that lurks in the streets and sidewalks of Intramuros that rushes into the mind as I walk is suddenly gone. It’s honestly nothing compared to the troubles that plague my mind. 

The zip-zap of my thoughts as I walk in the underground pass is unbearable, as is the wait for my grades. Grades that reflect whether one will actually pass the class or not. 

The night gives a fresh breeze, yet I suffocate myself. The feeling of uncertainty that suffocates your whole being. Thinking of the future and the disappointment of the past, seeing another 5.00 in my grade, taking in the news, and sharing that news with my family. Their disappointed sighs and stares, the pity in their voices that I know all too well, rush into my mind. 

I just want to make my family proud of me again. 

To see the light in my mother’s eyes again as I tell her about my achievements, the constant future planning my father does whenever he hears good news, and their look of no worries because they know that my future will be safe and stable. That once they are gone, I can live and sustain myself. 

The burden of this wait suffocates me, but I know I did my best. But what if it’s not good enough? What if I still lacked what was most needed? One check of my grades wouldn’t hurt, right? What if I compute it to see if I pass? Just a flat 70 is enough, please. I’m already so tired, I really want to rest. I haven’t even slept. If I fail again, I don’t know what else to do. Is this really for me at that point, or am I taking up the wrong path? I really don’t know what to do anymore. I am really this close to breaking do—

“Attention Please! The train is now arriving at Fernando Poe Jr. Station. Please be reminded that Fernando Poe Jr. is the last stop of this line. All passengers must disembark.”